What am I...?
by Shiki Ayanami
Slowly I open my eyes, allowing the light to pierce my sight.
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A man…? No, I’m no longer that.
Do I suffer? No, I don ’t do that either. Reality is indifferent to me, that’s all.
Alone… I’m alone… for I choose it; I was free to decide. I could even follow her, the one bound to me by destiny. My beloved. But I didn’t.
I prefer to stay here by myself, rather than stay there with people. They were my enemies, but now it does not matter anymore. Now I’m alone, but after all, I’ve always been…
People is evil. I was evil. But never as evil as judging people.
Friends…? I’ve heard of them, just from that spike headed Samurai, just from the one I should have killed,
but I never believed in them. I don’t believe in friends, for friends are people and people is evil. I could not trust anyone, only myself.
Feelings…? Maybe I had them, time ago, but now I do not remember. I cannot remember. But I had a good timing, when I and Shiki were together. I liked her, for she was just like me. I loved her, and I loved many other things… but now… now it does not matter anymore…
How can I feel…? I…?
Hate… I’m possessed by a strong sensation of deep hate. I do really feel this sensation. What is it? Why can’t
I completely feel it?
It’s all because of that mad puppeteer, if I could, I would kill him thousand and thousand times.
Yes, this is hate. That madman turned me in what I’m now. He took my life, my memory, my humanity away from me, giving me what?! Only a hideous existence which I cannot bear.
I don’t want to feel like this… Damn it, I don’t want this!! But what should I do…? Should I kill myself? No, I would never do it. It’s the most horrible way to die: killed by your own doubts, your fears…
No… I’d like to live bound to my memory… but what memory…? I don’t have memories, nor dreams. I can’t have dreams. Many the things I can’t do. Too many…
A memory… I would do anything to have a memory like those feeble humans… feeble? No, lucky. Some think to be happy, but they can’t understand that, inside everyone dwells an eternal demon, ready to betray them, to stab their thumping heart.
And a dream… what is it? For me a meaningless word: did I ever have a dream? One of those ones humans would die for. Maybe I had it.
Tears…? Where do the tears come from? What is their meaning?
Joy or sorrow… deep feelings are the source of tears. Have I ever cried? Probably when I was a child, but who could know?
I’m just so tired to drag myself everywhere. I feel like enveloped by darkness, with no rays of light. I feel like there was a black pit that I cannot leave. I feel like I’m falling in an endless abyss and anyone can’t hear or help me… but do I want help…? I would like to keep on falling… in this never ending pain… in what left of me…
I fought to remain what I was, but I’ve already lost myself since a long time… What’s the use of fighting until my soul is broken if I have no soul…? It’s too hard to explain and I don’t want to know…
I only wish to close my eyes and sleep forever. Or to turn back time in order to not be what I am.
But I learned how to react to the people’s gazes toward me.
Pale skin, black clothes, amber eyes… yet my eyes are like ice… when I look at people, my gaze has not any expression. Odd… Time ago my gaze was not like this… I’m quite positive, but how do I know?
Maybe I feel it, inside my heart… but what heart…? Do I have a heart? When I close my eyes, standing silent, I hear a beat. A regular beat. Is it a heart?.
I close my eyes once again with a sigh and I ask myself again: What am I…?
The answer is always the same. An unnatural Asura…