Fan Fiction http://samuraispirits.net
--The website dedicated to all Samurai Spirits fans--~ver5.0~
The Good, The Bad, and The Spud:
A special note from Hairy Tater: In case you've never read a "pick your own adventure" story before, this is how it works: You start reading at the beginning, and then when you're given some options, you pick one and go to the number indicated. For example, if the text says: CK has the best samurai site on the web! Go to 37. Then, you go to the section numbered 37. Got it? Good!
You pull out a fan and wave it in front of your face, pretending to be bored.
"Oh nothing, I thought you were somebody else, excuse me."
Genjuro swats you on the rear!
"Get lost before I get mad, toots!"
Hmm, it doesn't look like Genjuro likes the demure type, go back to 3. and do something a bit more provocative to get his attention.
You favor Genjuro with your best sultry smile and loosen your red kimono. Unfortunately, one of the melons we stuffed inside to give you a huge bust falls out and Genjuro realizes he's been had.
Quicker than a wink, his blade is out and your head is rolling across the floor.
I guess Genjuro is just slightly smarter than we gave him credit for. His IQ must me 12 instead of 5.
Better luck next time!
That damn Earthquake!
He's ruining everything!
We jump down from the tree and start yelling at him and kicking him in his fat rear end.
"Hmm?" He mumbles. Then he sees me.
Earthquake snatches me up and devours me in one gulp! This sucks!
Now he's looking at you!
Down you go in three quick chomps.
Nuts! Well, at least we're together in Earthquake's tummy, right? You can listen to me tell you how stupid you are until we get digested, ok?
What's that sound?
It sounds like Earthquake found someone else to eat…
A minute later, Genjuro plops down beside us, grumbling and swearing as usual.
Looks like we got Genjuro after all, huh? Too bad we bit it too…
Okay. Good idea.
Somebody in this rotten town must know where Genjuro is, or at least where he headed after he left McDonalds and destroyed my life. But, man oh man, I just thought of something, what are we going to do if we actually find him?
What should we do?
Ask that stupid guy with the mutt if he knows anything? Go to 2.
Ask that rotten cook who threw me out if he saw where Genjuro went? Go to 19.
Wander around and ask strangers if they know anything? Go to 22.
It takes about an hour, but soon we find a really good hiding place up in a tree with thick leaves (so that dummy, Genjuro won't be able to see us till it's too late, hah!). I left a trail of Reeses Pieces, so we know he'll come this way. Why Reeses Pieces? How the hell should I know? It just seemed like a good idea, ok?
I hear somebody coming now! Man, they're making a lot of noise.
That's not Genjuro!
It's that fat pig Earthquake! And he's eating all of our Reeses Pieces!
What should we do?
Get out of this tree and kick his ass? Go to 8.
Ignore him and hope Genjuro will still come this way. Go to 36.
"Ah!!! I'm melting!!!" Genjuro screams as steam begins to rise from his body and he sinks into the earth.
"Melting, melting, ahhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Soon there's nothing left to him but a puddle of water, empty clothes, a pack of playing cards, and his katana.
Hee! Hee! You're all wet, Genjuro (bad joke, I know, but what did you expect from a talking potato?).
You tell Genjuro you're desperately in love with him (I try to not to puke) and you need him bad.
"Heh, heh. I know. All women want me."
He starts showboating, showing us his beautiful, muscular physique. What a swine! We're doing the world a favor by killing Genjuro!
He leans us against the wall, his bad breath on our neck.
"So, baby, do you want to go in the back and have some fun?"
You timidly nod yes.
Hmm, how much should we charge ugly?
It's free! (Boy, you're easy!) Go to 4.
Fifty bucks! Go to 18.
A hundred bucks! Go to 5.
Man, you're a big cheater, you know that? None of the sections tell you to go to number 13.
Who are you trying to fool?
Stop cheating, you don't want to grow up to be like Genjuro do you?
Die, Genjuro! Die!
Look at the stupid look on his face! I love it.
Genjuro groans and clutches the bleeding wound in his chest.
There's tears in his eyes.
"Why?" He stammers, "I loved you…"
You take off your disguise and Genjuro gasps in surprise. The look on his face is priceless. The great Kibagami topples over and dies.
"Mommy…" Are his last whimpered words.
Cowabunga! We did it!
Genjuro is no more!
What do you mean you want the $50?
I told you 80/20; you only get $10 of it.
Put that sword down!
Hmmm. What kind of trap could we set to capture somebody like Genjuro?
Let's see, what do we know about him?
Not much. He's ugly, mean, has a short temper, and oh yeah, he likes to kill people.
Well, why don't we use you as bait?
You don't like that idea?
Ok, I'll spread nasty rumors about you trash talking Genjuro, saying you can take him in a fight. That'll get him really mad, and he'll come here looking to kill you. Then, we lie in ambush and kill him instead.
Great plan, right?
If it doesn't work and he kills you, don't worry, I'll get a new sidekick to replace you (hopefully one a bit more intelligent too, ha!).
Go wait at 21 while I start spreading rumors, hee, hee!
Genjuro laughs and prepares to dice you into little pieces.
"So, you're the little runt who's been talking smack about me, huh? Get ready to die!!!"
As Genjuro walks towards us, he steps on a mushroom. A little blue man in red pants and a hat suddenly runs out of the crushed fungus and begins swearing Genjuro up and down.
"Hey, you ugly turd! That was my house!"
Why, it's Papa Smurf!
Genjuro spits on the little blue fellow and sneers.
"Get lost, you little toadstool!"
Papa Smurf wipes Genjuro's saliva off of his face and pulls a tiny bottle out of his pocket. He runs up behind Genjuro and pours it on his foot.
Genjuro notices and boots Papa Smurf in his little blue butt.
Man, Genjuro is a scumbag, but he can sure knows how to kick a Smurf, I'll give him that! It looked like a 180-yard punt to me!
Genjuro cackles and raised his katana to slay you, but suddenly he stops. Papa Smurf's potion is working!
"I don't feel so good…" Genjuro mumbles.
Pick your nose! If you find a booger, go to 11.
If you don't find a booger (or you're just too polite to admit it) go to 27.
Who said you get to think? That's my job!
Now get in there and start charming Genjuro before I get mad!
Go to 3., mumbling and grumbling about what you're going to do to me later…you're all talk and no action, you don't scare me in the least, and I'm a rotten potato, ha!
"Fifty bucks!" Genjuro complains, but he coughs up the money. I'll keep it for you; you'll just lose it.
He marches us into a quiet room in the back and closes the sliding door.
He starts fumbling with his clothes, undressing.
His katana is on the floor and his pants are half off, here's our chance!
What do you do?
Grab Genjuro's sword and kill him? Go to 14.
No! You've fallen in love with Genjuro, and really want him (Are you nuts?). Go to 26.
That rotten cook!
He really doesn't like me!
As soon as we entered the kitchen, he grabbed a meat cleaver and cut me right in two!
I guess that's the end of our adventure, unless you have a needle and thread and can sew me back together again.
Do me one last favor though, would ya? Put me in the deep fryer when the cook isn't looking! Ha, ha, ha! I'm so filthy, I'll give everybody food poisoning!!!
Maybe I'll get lucky and Genjuro will come and order some fries!!!
Hee, hee, hee…
What a brilliant plan!!!
All we need is a wig, and some makeup!
This is going to be great, trust me!
A little while later (after digging through the garbage) we've got you all dolled up. Man! You look Sex-y!!! If I wasn't a potato, I'd buy you myself!
Okay, get in there and woo Genjuro!
Tell Hairy Tater this is the stupidest idea he's ever had and that you aren't doing it? Go to 17.
Go inside and start hitting on Genjuro? Go to 3.
It takes a few days, but soon we receive word that Genjuro has heard about the boasts and insults I've spread around, and he's coming here to take care of you!
Isn't that great?
I'm so excited!
I spread another rumor that we're waiting for him in the forest just outside of town. That should give us plenty of places to hide, right?
Okay. Let's get going. Genjuro could show up any time.
Let's go to the forest. Waltz your butt over to 10.
This isn't working. Nobody in town wants to talk to a nasty hairy potato or an ugly fool like you. Let's go back to the choices at the end of 1. and re-evaluate our options, ok?
Oh boy, that's a toughie.
How are we going to make me more powerful?
Whaddya mean, who? That guy in the funny dress with the weird hair over there, are you blind?
You see him now?
He's waving us over, let's go see what he wants.
Go to 25 to see what the stranger wants, why don't you?
Well, that didn't work out. Genjuro wasn't there, and when we barged in, the prostitutes weren't happy to see us (cuz I'm an icky potato and you're ugly), so they beat the tar out of us.
Ouch, I think they bruised me.
Are you okay? No? Then I feel better, ha!
What should we do now? After the doctor sets your bones, lets try waiting in ambush instead, ok? Go to 31.
This strange "man" claims to be somebody named Amakusa. He looks more like a woman than a man to me. What do you think? I mean, geez, he's even wearing lipstick and eye shadow!
He says he understands my problem and that he can make me powerful enough to destroy Genjuro, all for the teensy price of my soul.
What do you think?
Sell my soul to Amakusa to gain the power I need to destroy Genjuro? Go to 34.
Tell this pansy where he can stick his deal? Go to 30.
Not only have you sold yourself for a measly $50.00, you've also made me blind!
Oh my! That was so disgusting that the only way I could keep my sanity was by poking out every one of my eyes. Unfortunately, I could still hear you two. Blah! I'm going to have nightmares for years!
I hope you're happy!
Genjuro doesn't love you; he just used you and left you.
Man, I hope he gave you a STD!
Genjuro grunts, tears fill his eyes, and then he lets loose the biggest and most foul fart you've ever seen! We're talking sub-nuclear detonation here!
He doesn't have to kill you, the stench already did.
Man, am I glad I don't have a nose!
Then how do I know Genjuro stinks?
Ummm…I don't know. Besides, shut up! You're dead!
You're passing up a chance to play prostitute? Can't you see Genjuro's face when he finds out? What's the matter with you? Get you butt back to 31 and make the right choice!!!
Genjuro can fight his way out of a paper bag!
And he's pretty good at cutting us up into little pieces too!
Whoa. That wasn't very smart.
He got mad, whipped out some kind of magic crystal, and fried us on the spot.
Guess I should learn to keep my big mouth shut, huh?
In no time at all, we're at the local cathouse, The Satin Leopard.
He's in there all right; I can see his characteristic shadow behind the screens. Do you see that dumb ponytail of his and those god-awful pants? You do? Good, that's him! Look at him making passes at those girls and waving all that money around; it just makes me sick!
Okay, never mind. We have to be ready for him when he comes out!
Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll have had too much to drink! No wait, that's Haohmaru, what was I thinking?
Wait in the shadows and hope to launch a surprise attack as he passes? Go to 28.
Dress up as one of the workers, get him to pay for a night with us, and then stab him when his pants are down? Go to 20.
That got Genjuro's attention! He's over here in a flash!
He looks around, but he can't see us.
"Hello? I want to know how to get 50% off of prostitutes!" Genjuro whines desperately.
What do we do?
Pounce on him? Go to 16.
Tell him how to get 50% off of prostitutes? Go to 35.
Suddenly, the Caped Crusader himself, Batman, appears before our very eyes.
"Thanks, Hairy Tater, I'll take it from here!"
Batman swings down from the tree and opens a can of superhero whupass on Genjuro!!!
Oh! Batman's got Genjuro in a headlock with his utility belt!
Isn't this great?
Amakusa passes some glowing crystal over me, and I undergo an amazing transformation before your eyes!
What kind of crap is this?
I've turned into some funny looking cat girl with green hair and a boomerang. What the? There's a monkey in my pants!
Get it off!
Get if off!
Hey, what's with my voice? I sound like a whiny little kid?
This isn't what I wanted! I wanted to be turned into Geese Howard, or at least Ryuji Yamazaki, not Cham Cham!
How am I going to beat Genjuro like this? He'd die laughing, that's how. I think I was better off as a potato…
Amakusa, you cheat!
But he's gone; the sorcerer disappeared, taking my worthless soul with him.
Now, I have a strange craving for bananas…
What? Everybody knows prostitutes don't give discounts…unless they have something nasty like crabs.
Genjuro isn't impressed with your blubbering and decides to take a 50% discount off of your body.
Hee! Hee! You look great in two pieces!
That fat blob Earthquake takes forever, but eventually he wanders away. Good deal, now we can get back to business.
We wait, and wait, and wait…but Genjuro doesn't come.
We spend an uncomfortable night in the tree, but still he doesn't show.
Where is that damn Kibagami? Did he stop to plant posies?
We're about ready to give up and think of a new plan when we finally see that pink haired boob coming over the hill.
Okay, here's your big chance! How do we get him over here?
Yell "50% off all prostitutes!" Go to 32.
Yell "Genjuro couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag!" Go to 29.
Yell "Great Scots, Batman! The Joker is getting away!" Go to 33.
Okay, smartass. I'm impressed with your ability to follow directions, but you're lacking in imagination. And yes, CK has the best Samurai Spirits webpage! Now, go back to the beginning and try again, you bum!