Genjuro Samurai Shodown
Fan Fiction
--The website dedicated to all Samurai Spirits fans--~ver5.0~

The Good, The Bad, and The Spud:
Hairy Tater's Revenge

by Hairy Tater, the Spud Who's Not a Dud!

A special note from Hairy Tater: In case you've never read a "pick your own adventure" story before, this is how it works: You start reading at the beginning, and then when you're given some options, you pick one and go to the number indicated. For example, if the text says: CK has the best samurai site on the web! Go to 37. Then, you go to the section numbered 37. Got it? Good!

      Yeah, you! C'mere! I need your help!
      Why? Shut up, and I'll tell you.
      My name's Hairy Tater, and I need your assistance to destroy my archenemy, the evil samurai, Kibagami Genjuro.
      As you've probably guessed by now, I'm a hairy, talking potato. Don't look at me like that! Like I'm the first talking vegetable you've ever seen… Close that mouth; you're letting the flies in!
      Anyway, I wasn't always the bitter spud you see before you. Listen to my sad tale and keep a tissue handy, you'll need it (whether to cry or puke on, I'll leave up to you…):
      Not too long ago, in a land far, far away, there lived a beautiful princess. Wait! Back it up; that's not right! Okay, here's the real deal:
      I'm a potato. Potatoes only have one purpose in life: To be eaten by smelly, ungrateful humans like yourself. Now, it just so happens that I ended up in the potato bin at McDonalds (I know, lucky me). Anyway, I had reluctantly accepted my cruel fate, knowing that I was destined to be chopped into tiny pieces and placed into that great, deep fryer of doom. Everything was all set…and then HE showed up.
      Genjuro. What a worthless bum; I even hate to say his name. He's an ugly, ill-tempered, obnoxious, slimy, good-for-nothing, pansy-haired, thoughtless nobody. Oh yeah, he smells pretty bad too.
      Huh? What are you yapping about? What do you mean there weren't any McDonalds back in the 18th century when Genjuro lived? What the hell do you know? Were you there? Huh, were you? I didn't think so. I was; now shut up and listen!
      Now where was I? Oh yeah, Genjuro. My time had finally come. The head cook (who still only made minimum wage despite his loyal 25 years of service) had me in his greasy palms, ready to dice me, when I heard it. I'll never forget that, gravelly, rotten voice.
      Out of the corner of my many "eyes" I saw him. The first thing I noticed was that ridiculous, bubble-gum pink ponytail of his. Genujro was out of control. He had his shining katana in one hand, and that merry old clown, Ronald McDonald himself, tightly clenched in the other.
      Ronald was shaking, promising Genjuro all sorts of free food to make up for the mistake. Did Genjuro listen or show pity? Nooooooooooo! Instead, he lopped off poor Ronald's head (rest his happy soul).
      The gaudy, decapitated, red and white skull flew through the air and struck the head cook squarely in the stomach. He stumbled backwards in surprise, dropping yours truly.
      I bounced, I tumbled, and then, I rolled underneath the dirty, dusty stove.
      Call it fate, call it chance, it doesn't matter. That single moment changed my entire life forever. I emerged on the other side of the oven covered with black soot, dust, hair, and a glazing of sticky, two-month-old ketchup.
      By this time, Genjuro had disappeared, along with all of our frightened customers. It was just the cook and I.
      He looked at me strangely for a moment, as if trying to decide what he was looking at, and then a wave of revulsion crossed his face.
      "Ewwwwww! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" He cried in horror.
      Grimacing, he picked me up with a paper towel and threw me out into the dark alley.
      No!!! I screamed. It wasn't supposed to end like this! I was supposed to become an order of French fries! My entire life, gone! What good was a potato you couldn't eat?
      And then something wet touched me. It was a slobbering tongue, and it belonged to a dog.
      "Hey, Poppy! Get away from that! Ick! How many times have I told you not to eat garbage, girl?"
      The black and white pooch whined and returned to her master, tail between her legs. He was some dopey looking blond guy who looked like he was more than a little wet behind the ears, if you know what I mean. They pair wandered away, leaving me alone in the gloom with the garbage.
      I didn't know what to do. I felt suicidal. And then it came to me…anger and hatred. That Genjuro!!! It was his fault I was here! A dirty outcast! From that day forward, I swore my revenge against Kibagami…

      Pretty sad, huh?
      I always get misty eyed when I tell that story.
      But now, you see why I need your help. Genjuro has to die, and you're my only hope!
      What do you mean you won't help me?
      Pretty please?
      I promise I won't call you stupid anymore, stupid…
      You'll do it?
      Great! I knew I could count on you (even though you're a lousy bum)!
      Okay, here's the deal: We have to destroy Genjuro, but I don't know where he is (Genjuro's a lazy drifter, he couldn't keep a steady job if his life depended on it). He's somewhere, but where? And then, there's one other little problem: I'm a potato. How the hell am I going to take on a big samurai like Genjuro? I'm no coward, but I don't exactly have legs or arms to fight with either. I'm going to have to outwit him (which shouldn't be very hard; he's not terribly bright) or get a new, stronger body somehow…
      So, what should we do first?
      Ask around and see if anybody knows where that snake, Genjuro, is? Go to 9.
      Try to set a trap for that dumb Genjuro? Go to 15.
      Find a way to make me stronger? Go to 23.

      It takes a little running, but we catch up to that scrawny blond guy and his flea-bitten mongrel.
      As it turns out, the guy's name is Galford, and he's actually pretty nice, but I don't like him anyway (I don't like anything or anyone, including you, so sue me! You'd be grouchy too if you had to go through life as a dirty potato!). Galford knows Genjuro; they've crossed paths before (He told us some boring story about people named Mizuki, Amakusa, and Zankuro, blah, blah, blah! I didn't listen to it, did you?) Anyway, it seems Genjuro has a fondness for 'women of the night'. Heh, heh, that perverted scumbag! We have him right where we want him now!
      It's off to the nearest whorehouse for us!
      If we find him there, what should we do?
      Set up an ambush while he's "busy" inside? Go to 31.
      Just barge in and try to take him by surprise? Go to 24.

      You enter the house of ill repute.
      Immediately you're assailed by smoke and laughter.
      Where the hell is that Genjuro now? Did we lose him?
      No! There he is, over there! He's got his grimy hands on that girl's thigh!
      Let's go!
      The girl he was talking to doesn't like it, but we introduce ourselves.
      Genjuro scowls at us (man, is he disgusting looking, huh?).
      "What do you want?" He growls.
      Should we flash him some skin? Go to 7.
      Tell him we're in love with him? Go to 12.
      Play hard to get? Go to 6.

      Where's your dignity? You aren't going to let Genjuro have his way with you for free are you? Come on, we may as well make some money out of this right? We'll split it 80/20; I get the 80%. Why? Cuz I'm the brains of this operation, that's why! Now get back to 12. and make Genjuro cough up some cash!

      "A hundred bucks!!! For you? You gotta be kidding me!" Genjuro is not happy with your price.
      A trashy looking vixen comes up and rubs Genjuro's chest from behind.
      "I'm only $25, honey. And I guarantee I'm a lot better than her."
      Genjuro grins.
      "Looks like I've got a better offer, later toots! Come back when you're more reasonably priced!"
      Nuts. Looks like we're not going to get Genjuro now.
      Somebody pokes you in the back.
      Uh oh! It's the mistress of the house and her girls, and they don't look happy!
      "So, you think you can just walk in here and muscle in on my girl's turf, huh? We don't take kindly to that kind of thing, you hussy! Get her girls!"
      Ow! Ow! Ow!
      When you get out of that body cast, go back to 1. and start over again. Man, be more careful, ok? I really don't think I was cut for the mashed potato gig… What? I don't care if it was my idea in the first place! Why are you always trying to blame things on me? I'm just a hairy potato, geez! Give me a break! Blah, blah, blah, blah…

The End.

      You pull out a fan and wave it in front of your face, pretending to be bored.
      "Oh nothing, I thought you were somebody else, excuse me."
      Genjuro swats you on the rear!
      "Get lost before I get mad, toots!"
      Hmm, it doesn't look like Genjuro likes the demure type, go back to 3. and do something a bit more provocative to get his attention.

      You favor Genjuro with your best sultry smile and loosen your red kimono. Unfortunately, one of the melons we stuffed inside to give you a huge bust falls out and Genjuro realizes he's been had.
      Quicker than a wink, his blade is out and your head is rolling across the floor.
      I guess Genjuro is just slightly smarter than we gave him credit for. His IQ must me 12 instead of 5.
      Better luck next time!
The End

      That damn Earthquake!
      He's ruining everything!
      We jump down from the tree and start yelling at him and kicking him in his fat rear end.
      "Hmm?" He mumbles. Then he sees me.
      Oh no!
      "Potatoes! Yummy!"
      Earthquake snatches me up and devours me in one gulp! This sucks!
      Oh crap!
      Now he's looking at you!
      Down you go in three quick chomps.
      Nuts! Well, at least we're together in Earthquake's tummy, right? You can listen to me tell you how stupid you are until we get digested, ok?
      What's that sound?
      It sounds like Earthquake found someone else to eat…
      A minute later, Genjuro plops down beside us, grumbling and swearing as usual.
      Looks like we got Genjuro after all, huh? Too bad we bit it too…
The End

      Okay. Good idea.
      Somebody in this rotten town must know where Genjuro is, or at least where he headed after he left McDonalds and destroyed my life. But, man oh man, I just thought of something, what are we going to do if we actually find him?
      What should we do?
      Ask that stupid guy with the mutt if he knows anything? Go to 2.
      Ask that rotten cook who threw me out if he saw where Genjuro went? Go to 19.
      Wander around and ask strangers if they know anything? Go to 22.

      It takes about an hour, but soon we find a really good hiding place up in a tree with thick leaves (so that dummy, Genjuro won't be able to see us till it's too late, hah!). I left a trail of Reeses Pieces, so we know he'll come this way. Why Reeses Pieces? How the hell should I know? It just seemed like a good idea, ok?
      I hear somebody coming now! Man, they're making a lot of noise.
      Oh no!
      That's not Genjuro!
      It's that fat pig Earthquake! And he's eating all of our Reeses Pieces!
      What should we do?
      Get out of this tree and kick his ass? Go to 8.
      Ignore him and hope Genjuro will still come this way. Go to 36.

      "Ah!!! I'm melting!!!" Genjuro screams as steam begins to rise from his body and he sinks into the earth.
      "Melting, melting, ahhhhhhhhhh!!!"
      Soon there's nothing left to him but a puddle of water, empty clothes, a pack of playing cards, and his katana.
      Hee! Hee! You're all wet, Genjuro (bad joke, I know, but what did you expect from a talking potato?).
The End.

      You tell Genjuro you're desperately in love with him (I try to not to puke) and you need him bad.
      Genjuro laughs.
      "Heh, heh. I know. All women want me."
      He starts showboating, showing us his beautiful, muscular physique. What a swine! We're doing the world a favor by killing Genjuro!
      He leans us against the wall, his bad breath on our neck.
      "So, baby, do you want to go in the back and have some fun?"
      You timidly nod yes.
      Genjuro smiles.
      "How much?"
      Yes, success!
      Hmm, how much should we charge ugly?
      It's free! (Boy, you're easy!) Go to 4.
      Fifty bucks! Go to 18.
      A hundred bucks! Go to 5.

      Man, you're a big cheater, you know that? None of the sections tell you to go to number 13.
      Who are you trying to fool?
      Stop cheating, you don't want to grow up to be like Genjuro do you?

      Die, Genjuro! Die!
      Look at the stupid look on his face! I love it.
      Genjuro groans and clutches the bleeding wound in his chest.
      There's tears in his eyes.
      "Why?" He stammers, "I loved you…"
      You take off your disguise and Genjuro gasps in surprise. The look on his face is priceless. The great Kibagami topples over and dies.
      "Mommy…" Are his last whimpered words.
      Cowabunga! We did it!
      Genjuro is no more!
      What do you mean you want the $50?
      I told you 80/20; you only get $10 of it.
      Put that sword down!
      Stop it!
The End

      Hmmm. What kind of trap could we set to capture somebody like Genjuro?
      Let's see, what do we know about him?
      Not much. He's ugly, mean, has a short temper, and oh yeah, he likes to kill people.
      Well, why don't we use you as bait?
      You don't like that idea?
      Too bad!
      Ok, I'll spread nasty rumors about you trash talking Genjuro, saying you can take him in a fight. That'll get him really mad, and he'll come here looking to kill you. Then, we lie in ambush and kill him instead.
      Great plan, right?
      If it doesn't work and he kills you, don't worry, I'll get a new sidekick to replace you (hopefully one a bit more intelligent too, ha!).
      Go wait at 21 while I start spreading rumors, hee, hee!

      You missed.
      Genjuro laughs and prepares to dice you into little pieces.
      "So, you're the little runt who's been talking smack about me, huh? Get ready to die!!!"
      As Genjuro walks towards us, he steps on a mushroom. A little blue man in red pants and a hat suddenly runs out of the crushed fungus and begins swearing Genjuro up and down.
      "Hey, you ugly turd! That was my house!"
      Why, it's Papa Smurf!
      Genjuro spits on the little blue fellow and sneers.
      "Get lost, you little toadstool!"
      Papa Smurf wipes Genjuro's saliva off of his face and pulls a tiny bottle out of his pocket. He runs up behind Genjuro and pours it on his foot.
      Genjuro notices and boots Papa Smurf in his little blue butt.
      Man, Genjuro is a scumbag, but he can sure knows how to kick a Smurf, I'll give him that! It looked like a 180-yard punt to me!
      Genjuro cackles and raised his katana to slay you, but suddenly he stops. Papa Smurf's potion is working!
      "I don't feel so good…" Genjuro mumbles.
      Pick your nose! If you find a booger, go to 11.
      If you don't find a booger (or you're just too polite to admit it) go to 27.

      Who said you get to think? That's my job!
      Now get in there and start charming Genjuro before I get mad!
      Go to 3., mumbling and grumbling about what you're going to do to me later…you're all talk and no action, you don't scare me in the least, and I'm a rotten potato, ha!

      "Fifty bucks!" Genjuro complains, but he coughs up the money. I'll keep it for you; you'll just lose it.
      He marches us into a quiet room in the back and closes the sliding door.
      He starts fumbling with his clothes, undressing.
      His katana is on the floor and his pants are half off, here's our chance!
      Do it!
      What do you do?
      Grab Genjuro's sword and kill him? Go to 14.
      No! You've fallen in love with Genjuro, and really want him (Are you nuts?). Go to 26.

      That rotten cook!
      He really doesn't like me!
      As soon as we entered the kitchen, he grabbed a meat cleaver and cut me right in two!
      I guess that's the end of our adventure, unless you have a needle and thread and can sew me back together again.
      Do me one last favor though, would ya? Put me in the deep fryer when the cook isn't looking! Ha, ha, ha! I'm so filthy, I'll give everybody food poisoning!!!
      Maybe I'll get lucky and Genjuro will come and order some fries!!!
      Hee, hee, hee…
The End

      What a brilliant plan!!!
      All we need is a wig, and some makeup!
      This is going to be great, trust me!
      A little while later (after digging through the garbage) we've got you all dolled up. Man! You look Sex-y!!! If I wasn't a potato, I'd buy you myself!
      Okay, get in there and woo Genjuro!
      Do you:
      Tell Hairy Tater this is the stupidest idea he's ever had and that you aren't doing it? Go to 17.
      Go inside and start hitting on Genjuro? Go to 3.

      It takes a few days, but soon we receive word that Genjuro has heard about the boasts and insults I've spread around, and he's coming here to take care of you!
      Isn't that great?
      I'm so excited!
      I spread another rumor that we're waiting for him in the forest just outside of town. That should give us plenty of places to hide, right?
      Okay. Let's get going. Genjuro could show up any time.
      Let's go to the forest. Waltz your butt over to 10.

      This isn't working. Nobody in town wants to talk to a nasty hairy potato or an ugly fool like you. Let's go back to the choices at the end of 1. and re-evaluate our options, ok?

      Oh boy, that's a toughie.
      How are we going to make me more powerful?
      Who's that?
      Whaddya mean, who? That guy in the funny dress with the weird hair over there, are you blind?
      You see him now?
      Yeah, him.
      He's waving us over, let's go see what he wants.
      Go to 25 to see what the stranger wants, why don't you?

      Well, that didn't work out. Genjuro wasn't there, and when we barged in, the prostitutes weren't happy to see us (cuz I'm an icky potato and you're ugly), so they beat the tar out of us.
      Ouch, I think they bruised me.
      Are you okay? No? Then I feel better, ha!
      What should we do now? After the doctor sets your bones, lets try waiting in ambush instead, ok? Go to 31.

      This strange "man" claims to be somebody named Amakusa. He looks more like a woman than a man to me. What do you think? I mean, geez, he's even wearing lipstick and eye shadow!
      He says he understands my problem and that he can make me powerful enough to destroy Genjuro, all for the teensy price of my soul.
      What do you think?
      Sell my soul to Amakusa to gain the power I need to destroy Genjuro? Go to 34.
      Tell this pansy where he can stick his deal? Go to 30.

      Oh bravo!
      Not only have you sold yourself for a measly $50.00, you've also made me blind!
      Oh my! That was so disgusting that the only way I could keep my sanity was by poking out every one of my eyes. Unfortunately, I could still hear you two. Blah! I'm going to have nightmares for years!
      I hope you're happy!
      Genjuro doesn't love you; he just used you and left you.
      Man, I hope he gave you a STD!
The End

      Genjuro grunts, tears fill his eyes, and then he lets loose the biggest and most foul fart you've ever seen! We're talking sub-nuclear detonation here!
      Biohazard alert!
      He doesn't have to kill you, the stench already did.
      Man, am I glad I don't have a nose!
      Then how do I know Genjuro stinks?
      Ummm…I don't know. Besides, shut up! You're dead!
The End.

      You're passing up a chance to play prostitute? Can't you see Genjuro's face when he finds out? What's the matter with you? Get you butt back to 31 and make the right choice!!!

      Guess what?
      Genjuro can fight his way out of a paper bag!
      And he's pretty good at cutting us up into little pieces too!
The End.

      Whoa. That wasn't very smart.
      He got mad, whipped out some kind of magic crystal, and fried us on the spot.
      Guess I should learn to keep my big mouth shut, huh?
The End

      In no time at all, we're at the local cathouse, The Satin Leopard.
      He's in there all right; I can see his characteristic shadow behind the screens. Do you see that dumb ponytail of his and those god-awful pants? You do? Good, that's him! Look at him making passes at those girls and waving all that money around; it just makes me sick!
      Okay, never mind. We have to be ready for him when he comes out!
      Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll have had too much to drink! No wait, that's Haohmaru, what was I thinking?
      Do we:
      Wait in the shadows and hope to launch a surprise attack as he passes? Go to 28.
      Dress up as one of the workers, get him to pay for a night with us, and then stab him when his pants are down? Go to 20.

      That got Genjuro's attention! He's over here in a flash!
      He looks around, but he can't see us.
      "Hello? I want to know how to get 50% off of prostitutes!" Genjuro whines desperately.
      What do we do?
      Pounce on him? Go to 16.
      Tell him how to get 50% off of prostitutes? Go to 35.

      Suddenly, the Caped Crusader himself, Batman, appears before our very eyes.
      "Thanks, Hairy Tater, I'll take it from here!"
      Batman swings down from the tree and opens a can of superhero whupass on Genjuro!!!
      Oh! Batman's got Genjuro in a headlock with his utility belt!
      Isn't this great?
The End.

      Amakusa passes some glowing crystal over me, and I undergo an amazing transformation before your eyes!
      What kind of crap is this?
      I've turned into some funny looking cat girl with green hair and a boomerang. What the? There's a monkey in my pants!
      Get it off!
      Get if off!
      Hey, what's with my voice? I sound like a whiny little kid?
      This isn't what I wanted! I wanted to be turned into Geese Howard, or at least Ryuji Yamazaki, not Cham Cham!
      How am I going to beat Genjuro like this? He'd die laughing, that's how. I think I was better off as a potato…
      Amakusa, you cheat!
      But he's gone; the sorcerer disappeared, taking my worthless soul with him.
      Now, I have a strange craving for bananas…
The End

      What? Everybody knows prostitutes don't give discounts…unless they have something nasty like crabs.
      Genjuro isn't impressed with your blubbering and decides to take a 50% discount off of your body.
      Hee! Hee! You look great in two pieces!
The End.

      That fat blob Earthquake takes forever, but eventually he wanders away. Good deal, now we can get back to business.
      We wait, and wait, and wait…but Genjuro doesn't come.
      We spend an uncomfortable night in the tree, but still he doesn't show.
      Where is that damn Kibagami? Did he stop to plant posies?
      We're about ready to give up and think of a new plan when we finally see that pink haired boob coming over the hill.
      Okay, here's your big chance! How do we get him over here?
      Yell "50% off all prostitutes!" Go to 32.
      Yell "Genjuro couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag!" Go to 29.
      Yell "Great Scots, Batman! The Joker is getting away!" Go to 33.

       Okay, smartass. I'm impressed with your ability to follow directions, but you're lacking in imagination. And yes, CK has the best Samurai Spirits webpage! Now, go back to the beginning and try again, you bum!

"Samurai Shodown Forever" is a non-profit fan site. Samurai Shodown, Samurai Showdown, Samurai Spirits are Copyrights of SNK. Most of the images here are taken from SNK homepage. No part of this webpage may be reproduced in any form or by any means, without permission from C.K. Gan. This page is best view with I.E. 5 or Netscape 4 at 800*600